04.18.08
Who Wants a Piece of These “hotties”?
Couldn’t they come up with other alternatives? I know it’s for a good cause? but nude at your age ? and on calendars? seriously who wants to buy? hahahaha… 
Marriage? is it your thing?
Spent a night at Auntie’s place. The place has four rooms of which only one is used. The rest are guests’. I went into one room which is where she keeps all of her books, novels, study guides, teaching guides and aides. Lord! her novels collection are to die for. I made a mental calculation and estimated around 1000 novels the least. Diana Palmer’s occupied the whole bookcase. 98% of pure Historical Romance. I asked her if she has any Historical fiction or any sorts but romance and she claims to have only 100 of them and the reason to why she collects Romance is because it’s something she never had.
She was single for quite a long time and when she got married last year, she still thinks her marriage does not resemble the idea of true romance. I can’t blame her for asking too much. She’s been reading romance novels since the 70’s. So the idea of romance is far-fetched from what it is now. Now no one writes love letters to their lover. Does email count?
“When you get married someday, make sure you think twice before you agree to tie the ‘invisible’ knot”
“Sorry, but I really don’t want to get married. Not now. Even if I do, I’d only marry someone who’s like my father”
“Haha, you mean he must be really good at fixing cars, loves to speed and has that chinese looks?”
“No hahahaha. you know how my father is. He’s a family guy. How often you see him hanging out with his mates? never , right? and he does not even want to buy hand phones and if it’s not for my mother who nags all the time saying it’s hard to contact my father, I think he would not own any now.”
“But what does he do every time he goes back from work?”
“Let me see. Watches TV. Kacau-kacau my mother cooking in the kitchen. Plays with the cat. Fixes his cars. Reads newspapers. Hahaha.”
“That’s interesting” *makes a funny face* hahaha
To think about what I said, I guess I’m just use to seeing my father at home, not having good times with friends but rather spends quality time at home with the family. My friends keep on complaining how their father is never home and how their husbands love to stay out late at night on weekends. I sure want someone who knows his way around cars, computers and should know a little bit of everything and not effing stupid. Thank you very much. My father possesses the traditional type of what a father should be but that keeps my mother in her place. She does not have anything to worry bout and can relentlessly rely on him all the time. I like the idea of not having to get worried sick of my future husband’s whereabout and gives me enough time to do stuff I love to do instead of spying on him 24/7 and checking his phone.
Another problem. You know, when you marry someone, you marry his family too. That’s one thing that bothers me. I don’t feel connected with anyone. And how often do you heard of in-laws trying to manage one’s marriage life just because they feel they need to do it. I personally think when one is married, the in-laws should just stay away from the personal affair. This is when I would definitely want to adopt the western type of marriage. They don’t see their in-laws all the time, and the only time they would meet up with each other is on occasions like Christmas etc.
If I were to get married, I’d only want to see my in-laws once a year. Or better yet my future husband does not have any parents and sisters or brothers. haha. Not that I am selfish. Just that, it’s difficult for me to accept and get acquainted with people. Imagine after years of marriage you or you other half decide to end the marriage, This thing would come in handy. You won’t have any sort of connection with your ex-husband and the ex-in-laws? it makes life more easier, right? you have not gotten to know them and when you split up, there would be no awkward things going in case you meet them somewhere. Buat inda tahu saja. Memang banar pun. Bukan nya kenal sangat. haha
04.08.08
“ASSorry I Don’t Speak Malay”
A fortnight ago, I had the chance of meeting a man who looks Malay, speaks no Malay (he told me) and has a Malay name. Obviously he is Malay. The first hour, I was OK with him because we did not talk much as I was there to accompany a friend. I was not quite sure why he came up to me and introduced himself. A lady like me, too shy to even look at guys. For the sake of being polite, I just dragged my self to open my mouth and uttered a few words.
Because I detected an accent that was foreign to me, I asked him if he was Malay. He nodded. Without being asked, he elaborated more on how BAD his Bahasa Melayu was. I remember thinking that his English was not that perfect. Putting up an accent is another thing. I still don’t know why he had to speak with an accent and not only his English was not perfect, it can be categorized as buruk berabis.
I left him the moment he asked for my number. What the eff? I don’t get it why some people are so proud to say to others that his/her Malay is bad. As if being bad at Malay is a good thing. I struggled to get a “B3″ for my Bahasa Melayu ‘O’ Level. With marks as low as 43-48 out of 100 and 60-64 being the highest. The whole class would be so happy to receive their marked Malay papers and I, on the other hand, would worry so much that I, in advance would not be attending school on that day.
Once my Malay teacher looked at my report card and he frowned seeing me doing so well in other subjects except for Malay and Math. He inquired some questions on how often did I converse in Malay with my family and peers? I came from a school with a bad reputation and where most of the students speak Malay to one another. So that was not the case. At home, I speak Malay with everyone except with the maids who speak no Malay at all.
He made a few remarks over my Kertas 2. I got 0 marks for not explaining the concept of Pantun, Gurindam, Sajak etc. I did explain the concept! buta kah ia inda meliat?! Meanwhile the terjemahan of Bahasa Melayu Klasik to Moden was my weakness. He said from the way I wrote, it seemed as if I hentam everything. It was so embarassing!! I never meant to do that! I just didn’t know all the words yang berkias-kias. But I tried! But 0?? that was crazy!! He should gave me at least 5! Not only was I embarassed, I was also angry at the same time. Imagine, even my Kertas 1, he gave me 50/100. Ngam-ngam pass. I thought he was biased because his favourite student, the beautiful and tall ‘H’ got 85 above for her kertas 1.
Usually after every Malay tests or exams, I would be satisfied with my answers. But the results would still be the same. Failed my kertas 2 and passed my kertas 1 with 50 or 52. I went home feeling depressed all day long and I simply would kuluk the papers and buang ke sampah.
Selepas atu, I skipped his classes until O level exam finished. He didn’t even bother I was in class or not. Nah results out I got B3!!!! hello!!!! I wanted to see him after that but inda tia jua ada. Haha betapuk ia kali!!
So to some people out there, jangan tah kan eksen cakap inda pandai Melayu. Membarigali saja bunyi nya. I would understand if your Mom or your Dad isn’t Malay. Tapi yang anu melayu hantap ani bah.. walaupun English steady.. jangan tah kan mengakun “y’know like how bad my Malay is like I don’t understand it like I’m so dumb” meher.
04.06.08
L.O.V.E
If being loved means to allow yourself to be inextricably vulnerable, so fear love for it would not bring any good. Is love not suppose to make one feel content and happy?
I was falling in and out of love with the same guy for almost 9 years. That was how long I waited for him, hoping things would change for the better. It did not. I was hard being patient and at the same time, regretting how much I had wasted my youth only to get this particular guy. He, who I thought and always believed would be my soul mate.
Being in the same class with him did not make any difference.The constant “peeping”, secret love letters etc. You name it. What i did never turned into something I wanted it to be. I’d be lying if I say I was not devastated at all. After what I did, he never , not even once, noticed I was so interested in him. Interested in him that I got to the point where it can be categorized as being obsessive. Yet, I did not try to talk to him or tell him how I felt. But yeah, there were some minor crushes on some guys but that too, did not last long. I loved him all my life. I thought it never disappeared.
It was only in my sixth year of high school (sixth – I repeated a year), that I had the courage to get close to him. He repeated a year as well. A close friend helped me in it. Since then, I had a clear picture of who he really was and his amusing character. Loved to joke but was more of a loner during the first three years of high school. It was a change, no? being close with him was the jealousy of some of my classmates. I later found out that 4 out of 11 girls in my class had a huge crush on him! surprising indeed! and these 4 were my best friends. I began to notice some weird pattern in the way they talked to me, their responses which were completely satirical and how they would just leave me alone and never even bothered to ask me if I wanted to “jalan-jalan” around the school with them like they used to.
But I did not care that much because I was busy with this guy.
After O level exam, we had long holidays and I missed him so much. I tried to call his home but did not have the gut to. Oh well. I make this a short one. We both got into Sixth form and my 4 best friends did not. I became his girlfriend . I did =). It lasted for months because I decided to call it over after what happened to me. I neglected my studies! yes I was stupid! and he ignored me. So I distanced my self. Later he said he was hurt because of the break up but he pretended he was okay with it. Men’s ego.
Over the next 2 years, we had 2 rebound relationships. He got into Uni and so did I. We did not go to the same uni. I saw him a year after our graduations. We smiled at each other. I do not have any more love for him but that stops me from loving anyone. I date some guys but not really taking them all seriously.
There is this guy who is way older than me that I feel comfortable with. I like it whenever he’s around. I am hoping that this time I’d finally get to be loved and to love. Being alone sucks.
04.04.08
Obscurity
I will try to remain anonymous in this blog. I do not dream of becoming popular. Creating the total opposite of me is not an easy task. Although I found a profound interest in things I never care to explore or dwell into, somehow I can already vision how these new interests won’t stay for long.
Sticking to my words is like having a trip to the moon, which is unlikely. Motivation, determination to me do not always sustain for a long period of time. It gets blurry and confusing and one moment I wish I had never hold on to any of those. Temptation is one thing that kills my motivation and determination. Be it to lose extra inches on my hips, or to abstain my self from having the casual meeting with him, him and the other him. There you go.
I am scared. Scared of letting go of everything. Avoiding is not the best option. Home does not give me peace. Work is stressing. The only guy I ever love has turned his back on me. Reverting might be too late. But I keep asking my self, do I still have the chance?
