If being loved means to allow yourself to be inextricably vulnerable, so fear love for it would not bring any good. Is love not suppose to make one feel content and happy?

I was falling in and out of love with the same guy for almost 9 years. That was how long I waited for him, hoping things would change for the better. It did not. I was hard being patient and at the same time, regretting how much I had wasted my youth only to get this particular guy. He, who I thought and always believed would be my soul mate.

Being in the same class with him did not make any difference.The constant “peeping”, secret love letters etc. You name it. What i did never turned into something I wanted it to be. I’d be lying if I say I was not devastated at all. After what I did, he never , not even once, noticed I was so interested in him. Interested in him that I got to the point where it can be categorized as being obsessive. Yet, I did not try to talk to him or tell him how I felt. But yeah, there were some minor crushes on some guys but that too, did not last long. I loved him all my life. I thought it never disappeared.

It was only in my sixth year of high school (sixth – I repeated a year), that I had the courage to get close to him. He repeated a year as well. A close friend helped me in it. Since then, I had a clear picture of who he really was and his amusing character. Loved to joke but was more of a loner during the first three years of high school. It was a change, no? being close with him was the jealousy of some of my classmates. I later found out that 4 out of 11 girls in my class had a huge crush on him! surprising indeed! and these 4 were my best friends. I began to notice some weird pattern in the way they talked to me, their responses which were completely satirical and how they would just leave me alone and never even bothered to ask me if I wanted to “jalan-jalan” around the school with them like they used to.

But I did not care that much because I was busy with this guy.

After O level exam, we had long holidays and I missed him so much. I tried to call his home but did not have the gut to. Oh well. I make this a short one. We both got into Sixth form and my 4 best friends did not. I became his girlfriend . I did =). It lasted for months because I decided to call it over after what happened to me. I neglected my studies! yes I was stupid! and he ignored me. So I distanced my self. Later he said he was hurt because of the break up but he pretended he was okay with it. Men’s ego.

Over the next 2 years, we had 2 rebound relationships. He got into Uni and so did I. We did not go to the same uni. I saw him a year after our graduations. We smiled at each other. I do not have any more love for him but that stops me from loving anyone. I date some guys but not really taking them all seriously.

There is this guy who is way older than me that I feel comfortable with. I like it whenever he’s around. I am hoping that this time I’d finally get to be loved and to love. Being alone sucks.